I wish to give anyone the chance to hope. Please as you read my story, keep in mind Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. (This is a verse that keeps me going!)
My journey starts out in Michigan where as a small girl I came from a damaged home. I had a loving dad, and a drunk of a mother. I had no Idea what was ahead of me in my life.
Despite having a loving dad, my mother had us children most of the time. She was a drunk, and was basically a very self-centered woman. We lived in trailer parks and most of the time we didn't have heat, but she had a nice bottle of booze so she was warm. She dated various men who beat her all the time until she was black and blue and bloody. She eventually kidnapped us children and took us to South Carolina where our neglect and abuse became even worse. She had a man in her life who loved little children in ways he should not love little children. The things he did were very wrong and very disturbing. He was an extremely abusive man both physically and sexually. I slept underneath my bed with my siblings because it was the safest place in the house.
Years later my dad and his cop girl friend found us and took us back to Michigan. My dad did his best with me as I had been pretty damaged as a kid. He tried very hard to get me help. Soon after my dad got us, my dad’s girlfriend’s father took me for a car ride and needless to say he was a bad old man as well. This time I told my dad and he put an end to that. I had various moments in my life where it seemed like certain kinds of men could easily pick me out of a crowd. In hind sight, I can't believe there were that many men like that out there. As I grew older, my dad kept me in sports which helped me through a lot. But I still had so many things messed up in my head. My dad married and she was an evil lady. For some reason she hated us. (My dad is married to a great gal now that he’s been married to for quite some time.)
After all the fighting and yelling, I just became a ball of hate. I hated that woman with all of my heart. I hated everything. I hated life. I did everything I could to get into trouble. I didn't care if I lived or died. To me, death would be so much better. I had no purpose in my life. I thought, “Well maybe if I get pregnant I could love that child the way I want to be loved”. So I tried and tried. As I got older and had various boyfriends, I did get pregnant and I had that child in my bathroom where my grandma found me and saved my life. The baby died.
I soon turned to stripping. I loved it. I loved being the center of attention on that stage. But I soon realized that it was a very dark, evil place. After years of dancing, drinking, sometimes using drugs and thinking I was a lesbian, (because at this point I hated men) I was at my weak point and God knew this. While dancing one day, a man came in and asked me to sit with him. He paid me for my time and talked to me about Jesus. Now of course I was laughing and criticizing him on the inside, because what kind of person was he to be in a joint like this I thought. But his words nagged at me over a course of time.
This brings me to the great change in my life. My husband (whom I had not yet met) was doing a rodeo at the time in Saginaw Michigan and of course the cowboys came into the club. I saw this guy sitting there and not really fitting in with the rowdy cowboys. That’s when our lives combined. He left soon after to go back home to Wisconsin. Around this time someone put a date rape drug in my drink and six men took me to a motel and well, you know, God again saved me. A wonderful friend of mine had come to visit me and check on me. He saw what was happening and busted in the door and pretty much beat the crap out of six men. He held me down all night because I was so drugged up that I tried to cut anyone I could with a knife. He explained everything that happened to me the next morning so I called the cowboy in Wisconsin and he told me to come to him there. I did and I found myself in love with him and the country. But after being in Wisconsin for a few months, I found myself confused and frantic as I missed the dangerous life that I knew and my misery. So I tried to end my life with a razor and my wrist.
I almost succeeded, but a woman who befriended me came to my aid and took me to the hospital. When I came out of surgery, I was then handcuffed and taken away as I was a danger to myself. Terri told me she was going to take care of me and help me and she did just that! She, along with some wonderful people from church, gave me hope and love in a depraved time in my life. They nurtured and loved me. Taught me and trained me. They showed me Gods love. I fell in love with this.
My journey has had many bumps but those bumps have so been worth it. I have four wonderful children and a wonderful husband. Most people I meet in the sex industry just want a better way of life and are stuck in the misery just like I was. Misery was my comfort zone. If a person has the willingness to surround themselves with people who want to help rather than people who want to enable, they can have the life they want. I had to accept change…Accept Good Godly criticism. It has taken me years but I am proof that with Christ all things are possible. If I did not cling to Christ, I believe I would not be here to tell my story. I have many wonderful Christian friends who believed in me even though I was a messed up person. Changing was not an over night experience. I had many lessons to learn and many mistakes to make until I found what I wanted. For me it was just a loving family. Your life is worth it! If you have children, they are worth the change. Give them something you have longed for your whole life. Our children need for us to create change for them. I am proof that no matter how physically or mentally abused you’ve been, you can make it!
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.